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This  is  an  authorized  facsimile 

of  the  original  book,  printed  by 

microfilm-xerography  on  acid-free  paper. 

UNIVERSITY  MICROFILMS  INTERNATIONAL 

Ann  Arbor,  Michigan,  U.S.A. 

London,  England 

1981 


A  LITTLE  BOOK 
IN  C  MAJOR 


BY 


H,L.  MENCKEN 


NEW  YORK 

JOHN  LANE  COMPANY 
MCMXVI 


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5302 


BY  THE  SAME  AUTHOR 


A  BOOK  OP  PREFACES 

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A  LITTLE  BOOK  IN  C  MAJOR 


COPYRIGHT,  1916, 
BY  JOHN  LANK  COMPANY 

d^,',\?vv\32 
4  "3  063  a 


J.J  Lhtie&Ivt* 

N.w  York.  U.  S,  A. 


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I 

Commissaire,  commissaire, 
Colin  bat  sa  men  age  re; 
Ccst  un  beau  jour  pour  1'amourl 
—Pierre  Jean  Je  Btranget 


Love  It  the  delation  that  one  woman 
differs  from  another. 


Man  wreps  to  think  that  he  will  die  so 
toon.  Woman!  that  she  was  born  so  long 
ago. 

'      ;  '   I  53    .  / 

Happiness  is  peace  after  effort,  the 
overcoming  of  difficulties,  the  feeling  of 
security  and  well-being.  The  only  really 
happy  folk  are  married  women  and  sin 
gle  men. 


Wife:  a  former  sweetheart 

9 


*ft 

§5 

How  little  it  takes  to  make  life  un 
bearable!  .  .  ,  A. pebble  in  the  shoe,  a 
cockroach  in  the  spaghetti,  a  woman's 
laugh  I 

•16 

Love  at  first  sight:  a  labor-saving  de 
vice, 

§7 

The  honeymoon  lasts  as  long  as  the 
bride  believes  the  bridegroom's  word  of 
honor. 


The  bride  at  the  altar:  "At  last!  At 
last!"  The  bridegroom:  "Too  late! 
Too  late!" 

§9 

The  lucky  man  is  the  one  who  is  not 
even  invited  to  the  wedding. 


§10 

Aftcj  a  hard  night  of  it  two  old  friends 
fell  into  a  sleepy  conversation  in  the 
steam-room  of  a  Turkish  bath. 

"My  wife  loves  me  so  much,11  said  one. 
"that  she'll  believe  me  when  1  tell  her  I 
was  kept  downtown  all  night  by  busi 
ness.'* 

"My  wife  loves  me  so  much,"  said  the 
other,  "that  I  won't  be  afraid  to  tell  her 
the  truth." 


II 


The  best  friend  a  woman  can  have  is 
the  man  who  has  got  over  loving  her. 
He  would  rather  die  than  compromise 
her. 


12 


The  one  breathless  passion  of  every 
woman  is  to  get  someone  married.  If 
she's  single,  it's  herself.  If  she's  married, 
it's  the  women  her  husband  would  prob- 
ably  marry  if  she  were  to  die  tomorrow. 


=  12 

§13 

4<I  wooed  and  won  her,"  laid  $\c  Man 
of  hi*  Wife.  "I  made  him  run,"  laid  the 
Hare  of  the  llouiul. 


§14 

The  way  to  hold  a  husband  is  to  keep 
him  a  little  bit  jealous.  The  way  to  lose 
him  is  to  keep  him  a  little  bit  more 
jealous. 


Women  may  be  divided  into  two 
classes  :  those  who  know  how  to  rouge 
and  those  who  know  how  to  blush. 


It  used  to  be  thought  in  America  that 
a  woman  ceased  to  be  a  lady  the  moment 
her  name  appeared  in  a  newspaper.  It 
is  no  longer  thought  so,  but  it  is  still  true. 


Women  have  very  simple  tastet.  They 
can  set  pleasure  out  of  the  conrertation 
of  children  In  trim  and  men  in  love. 


§18 

Whenever  a  husband  and  wife  begin 
to  discuss  their  marriage  they  are  giving 
evidence  at  an  inquest. 


Do  not  be  deceived  by  appearances. 
The  virtue  of  a  man  is  not  to  be  measured 
by  what  he  does  while  his  wife  is  watch 
ing. 

Sao 

Women  always  excel  men  In  that  sort 
of  wisdom  which  comes  from  experience. 
To  be  a  woman  is  in  itself  a  terrible  ex 
perience. 


14 


You  will  never  convince  the  average 
farmer's  mare  that  the  late  Maud  S.  was 
not  dreadfully  immoral. 


§22 

The  man  a  woman  marries  is  usually 
her  second  choice.  The  woman  a  man 
marries  is  often  not  his  choice  at  all. 


No  man  is  ever  too  old  to  look  at  i 
woman,  and  no  woman  is  ever  too  fat  to 
hope  that  he  will  look.  -. 


Men  have  a  much  better  time  of  it  than 
women.  For  one  thing,  they  marry  later. 
For  another  thing,  they  die  earlier. 


** 


The  one  thing  to  be  careful  of  is  that 
you  are  on  with  the  new  love  before  you 
ire  off  with  the  old 


Cold  mutton-stew;  a  soiled  collar; 
breakfast  in  dress  clothes;  a  wet  house 
dog,  over-affectionate;  the  other  fellow's 
tooth-brush;  an  echo  of  "Ta*ra-ra-boom- 
de-ay11;  the  damp,  musty  smell  of  an 
empty  house;  stale  beer;  a  mangy  fur 
coat;  katztnjammer;  false  teeth jTwilcd 
cabbage;  a  cocktail  after  dinner;  an  old 
cigar  stump  ,  .  .  the  kiss  of  Evelyn  after 
the  inauguration  of  Eleanor. 


Whenever  a  woman  begins  to  talk  of 
anything,  she  is  talking  to,  of,  or  at  t 
man* 


1ft 
§28 

The  worst  man  hesitates  when  choosing 
a  mother  for  his  children.  And  hesitat 
ing,  he  is  lost. 

§29 

The  charm  of  a  man  is  measured  by 
the  charm  of  the  women  who  think  that 
he  is  a  scoundrel. 

§30 

A  bachelor's  virtue  depends  upon  his 
alertness.  A  married  man's  depends 
upon  his  wife's. 


II 

f 

The  show-bird  sings  and  soars  amid  the 

blast:  he  has  no  catarrh  from  wet  feet — 

Mary  Baker  G.  Eddy. 


fr 

Democracy  it  the  theory  that  the  com* 
tnon  people  know  what  they  want,  and 
deserve  to  get  it  good  and  hard. 


Civilization  is  a  concerted  effort  to 
remedy  the  blunders  and  check  the  prac 
tical  joking  of  the  Creator. 


An  idealist  is  one  who,  on  noticing  that 
a  rose  smells  better  than  a  cabbage,  con 
cludes  that  it  is  also  more  nourishing. 


§4 

Morality  is  the  theory  that  every  hu 
man  act  must  be  either  right  or  wrong, 
and  that  99  per  cent,  of  them  are  wrong. 
19 


All  men  may  be  divided  into  two 
classes:  those  who  like  vaudeville  and 
those  who  can  stand  it  when  they  are 
drunk. 

§6 

Say  what  you  will  against  civilization, 
it  has  at  least  got  rid  of  whiskers,  the 
vermiform  appendix  and  the  Ten  Com 
mandments. 

$7 

The  surest  way  to  get  a  reputation  as 
a  liar  is  to  pretend  to  be  very  good.  The 
next  surest  way  is  to  pretend  to  be  very 
wicked. 


The  Christian  always  mixes  prudence 
with  his  devotion.  He  is  willing  to  serve 
three  gods,  but  he  draws  the  line  at  one 
wife. 


S9 

Exit  the  roller-towel  Enter  the  indi 
vidual  drinking-cup.  Hygiene  makes 
steady  progress.  The  end.  perhaps,  will 
be  a  law  penalizing  the  laborious  Italian 
for  spitting  on  his  hands, 


§10 

The  ideal  home  is  one  in  which  the 
human  inhabitants  multiplied  by  50  out 
number  the  cockroaches  divided  by  100. 


§» 

The  truth  that  survives  is  simply  the 
lie  that  is  pleasant  to  believe. 


lit 

Say  what  you  will  against  the  morality 
of  anonymous  letters,  at  all  events  no  one 
ever  seriously  doubts  them. 


99 

§13 

Democracy  defines  the  truth  as  any 
thing  believed  by  at  least  51  men  in  every 
too,  It  is  thus  (irmly  committed  to  the 
doctrines  that  one  hutn  a  week  is  enough, 
that  "I  seen"  is  the  past  tense  of  441  see", 
and  that  Friday  is  an  unlucky  day. 


The  final  proof  of  human  greatness  is 
an  embalmer  trembling  with  stage-fright. 


§'5 

It  is  hard  to  believe  that  a  man  is  tell 
ing  the  truth  when  you  know  that  you 
would  lie  if  you  were  in  his  place. 


§16 

All  men  are  frauds.  The  only  differ 
ence  between  them  is  that  some  admit  it 
I  myself  deny  it. 


23 


An  anti-vivisection  1st  is  one  who  gags 
at  a  guinea  pig  and  swallows  a  baby. 


The  original  efficiency  expert:  Simon 
Legrce. 

§'9 

Said  Oscar  Wilde:  "Each  man  kills 
the  thing  he  loves.11  For  example,  the 
amateur  musician. 

§20 

A  yacht  club  is  an  asylum  for  lands 
men  who  would  rather  die  of  drink  than 
be  seasick* 


Thanksgiving  Day:  a  day  devoted  by 
persons  with  inflammatory  rheumatism  to 
thanking  God  that  it  is  not  hydrophobia. 


A  Socialist,  carrying  a  red  flag, 
marched  through  the  gates  of  Heaven. 
"To  hell  with  rank!"  he- shouted.  "All 
men  arc  equal  here."  Just  then  the  late 
Karl  Marx  turned  a  corner  and  came  into 
view,  meditatively  stroking  his  whiskers. 
At  once  the  Socialist  fell  upon  his  knees 
and  touched  .his  forehead  to  the  dust 
"O  Master !"  he  cried.  "O  Master,  Mas 
ter,  Master  I" 

§23 

Definition  of  the  truth:  something 
somehow  discreditable  to  someone. 


§24 

Every  failure  teaches  a  man  something. 
For  example,  that  he  will  probably  fall 
again  next  time, 

§2$ 

Pensioner:  a  kept  patriot 


, 

Conscience  makes  cowards  of  us  all. 
Politeness  is  even  worse.  It  makes  actors 
of  us. 


The  nocturnes  of  Chopin  :  two  embalm- 
ers  at  work  upon  a  minor  poet  ...  the 
scent  of  tuberoses  .  .  .  autumn  rains. 


§28 

Let  no  man  take  his  friends  and  ene 
mies  too  seriously.  One  of  the  conclu 
sions  every  man  is  bound  to  come  to,  re 
viewing  his  life  in  his  old  age,  is  that 
his  enemies  have  done  him  much  less 
good  than  he  expected  and  his  friends 
much  less  harm. 


A  clergyman  is  a  ticket  speculator  out* 
side  the  gates  of  Heaven. 


§30 

Christian  Science  is  the  theory  that, 
since  the  sky  rockets  following  a  wallop 
in  the  eye  arc  optical  delusions,  the  wal 
lop  itself  is  a  delusion  and  the  eye  an 
other. 


m 

And  to  anyone  who  wishes  to  do  HO, 
we  publicly  and  freely  give  permission 
to  swear;  and  we  will  never  prevent  any* 
one  from  swearing.— Mayna  Charta,  * 


I 

A  man  becomes  a  gentleman  the  mo 
ment  the  betting  odds  on  his  word  of 
honor  pass  3  to  2. 


If  George  Washington  could  have  tore-* 
seen  the  chautauqua  it  is  likely  that  he 
would  have  let  Cornwallis  go. 


§3 

A  Sunday-school  is  a  prison  in  which 
children  do  penance  for  the  evil  con 
sciences  of  their  parents. 


$4 

Brevity:  die  quality  that  makes  cigar 
ettes,  sermons  and  ocean  voyages  bear 
able. 


=  30 

§5 

A  successful  man  is  simply  one  who 
doesn't  make  a  fool  of  himself  in  the  same 
way  more  than  two  or  three  times  run 
ning. 

§6 

An  osteopath  is  one  who  argues  that 
all  human  ills  are  caused  by  the  abnormal 
pressure  of  hard  bone  upon  soft  tissue. 
The  proof  of  his  theory  is  to  be  found  in 
the  heads  of  those  who  accept  it. 


§7 

During  a  lull  in  the  uproar  of  Hell 
two  voices  were  heard. 

"My  name,11  said  one,  "was  Ludwig 
van  Beethoven.  1  was  no  ordinary  music- 
master.  The  Archduke  Rudolph  used  to 
speak  to  me  on  the  streets  of  Vienna." 

"And  mine,"  said  the  other,  "was  the 
Archduke  Rudolph.  I  was  no  ordinary 
archduke.  Ludwig  van  Beethoven  dedi 
cated  a  trio  to  me." 


31 


Politician:  any  citizen  with  influ 
ence  enough  to  get  his  old  mother  a  job 
as  charwoman  in  the  City  Hall. 


§9 

The  master  banalities  of  art:  the  Mona 
Lisa,  La  Dame  aux  Camelias  and  Celeste 
Aida.  The  master  banalities  of  nature: 
Niagara  Falls,  the  Gulf  Stream  and  the 
blood-sweating  hippopotamus. 


§10 

A  prohibitionist  is  the  sort  of  man  one 
wouldn't  cure  to  drink  with— even  if  he 
drank. 

§" 

The  majority  always  has  its  way  in 
the  end.  So  does  the  undertaker.  But 
neither  gains  in  pleasantness  by  the  fact 


82== 

§ia 

Fugue:  one  damned  fiddle  after  an 
other. 

§13 

The  formula  of  George  Bernard  Shaw: 
to  put  the  obvious  in  terms  of  the  scan 
dalous. 


After  all,  why  be  good?  How  many 
will  actually  believe  it  of  us? 

§iS 

Why  doesn't  some  Christian  Science 
healer  try  his  magic  as  a  Christian  Sci 
ence  embalmer? 

§16 

No  form  of  liberty  ii  worth  a  darn 
which  doesn't  give  us  the  right  to  do 
wrong  now  and  then. 


§17 

The  unpleasant  things  of  life  are  al 
ways  the  most  durable.  A  wart  outlasts 
ten  thousand  kisses. 


A  psychologist  is  one  who  sticks  a  pin 
into  a  baby  and  then  makes  a  chart  show 
ing  the  ebb  and  flow  of  the  yell, 


§19 

If  all  public  questions  were  settled  by 
shooting  dice,  fifty  percent  of  them  would 
be  settled  correctly.  This  would  be  five 
times  as  good  a  score  as  we  make  now. 


§20 

Say  what  you  will  about  the  Ten  Com 
mandments!  you  must  always  come  back 
to  the  pleasant  fact  that  there  are  only 
ten  of  them, 


§ai 

Sob:  a  sound  made  by  women,  babies, 
tenors,  actors  and  drunken  men. 

§22 

Truth  would  quickly  cease  to  be 
stranger  than  fiction,  once  we  got  as  used 
to  it. 

§23 

Theatre:  a  place  in  which  bad  ideas 
are  filtered  through  worse  actors. 

§24 

A  woman's  club  is  a  place  in  which  the 
validity  of  a  philosophy  is  judged  by  the 
hat  of  its  prophetess. 

§2* 

A  man  is  called  a  good  fellow  fordoing 
things  which,  if  done  by  a  woman,  would 
land  her  in  a  lunatic  asylum. 


One  may  cherish,  perhaps,  a  profound 
respect  for  the  Beatitudes,  but  surely  not 
for  the  man  who  believes  in  them. 


Si  el  sa bio  no  aprueba,  mtlot 
Si  el  necio  aplaudc,  peorl 

—  Tomas  de  Yriarte. 


1IK        "  I  '    - 

Archbishop  :  §  Christian  ecclesiastic  of 
i  rank  superior  to  that  attained  by  Christ; 
sec  also  bithop  and 


A  jury  is  a  group  of  twelve  men  who, 
having  Ited  to  the  judge  about  their  hear 
ing,  health  and  business  engagements, 
have  failed  to  fool  him* 

S3 

The  verdict  of  a  jury  is  the  «  priori 

opinion  of  that  juror  who  smokes  the 
worst  cigars. 

§4 

A  judge  it  a  law  student  who  markt  hii 
own  examination  paper*. 
W 


40 


A  judge  is  an  officer  appointed  to  mis 
lead,  restrain,  hypnotize,  cajole,  seduce, 
flabbergast  and  bamboozle  a  jury  in  such 
manner  that  it  will  forget  all  the  facts 
and  give  its  decision  to  the  best  lawyer. 
The  objection  to  judges  is  that  they  are 
seldom  capable  of  a  sound  professional 
judgment  of  lawyers.  The  objection  to 
lawyers  is  that  the  best  are  the  worst 


§6 

A  lawyer  is  one  who  protects  you 
against  robbers  by  taking  away  the  tempt- 
tation. 

•     §7 

A  fine  is  a  bribe  paid  by  a  rich  man  to 
escape  the  lawful  penalty  of  his  crime. 
In  China  such  bribes  are  paid  to  the 
judge  personally.  In  America  they  are 
paid  to  him  as  agent  for  the  public.  But 
it  makes  no  difference  to  the  men  who  pay 
them,  nor  to  the  men  who  can't  pay  them. 


18 

Courtroom:  a  place  where  Jesus  Christ 
and  Judas  Iscariot  would  be  equals,  with 
the  odds  in  favor  of  Judas. 


§9 

The  penalty  for  laughing  in  a  court 
room  is  six  months  in  jail.  If  it  were  not 
for  this  penalty  the  jury  would  never  hear 
the  evidence. 

§10 

Sunday  is  a  day  given  over  by  Amer 
icans  to  wishing  that  they  themselves  were 
dead  and  in  Heaven,  and  that  their  neigh 
bors  were  dead  and  in  Hell. 


5" 

The  chief  argument  against  prohibi 
tion  is  that  it  doesn't  prohibit  This  is 
also  the  chief  argument  in  favor  of  it 


42 


Conscience:    the    inner   voice   which 
warns  us  that  someone  may  be  looking. 


§13 

As  for  the  great  masses  of  the  plain 
people,  whose  rectitude  and  acumen  ate 
so  much  lauded,  they  may  be  divided 
into  two  classes:  those  to  whom  thinking 
is  painful,  and  those  to  whom  it  is  im 
possible. 

§14 

Ideal  picture  of  a  reform  movement 
in  the  United  States:  a  hangman  signing 
a  petition  against  vivisection. 


To  an  cmbalmer  there  are  no  good  men 
and  bad  men.  There  are  only  dead  men 
and  live  men. 


l^a 

Democracy  is  also  a  form  of  religion. 
It  is  the  worship  of  jackals  by  jackasses. 


§«7 

Immortality:  the  condition  of  t  dead 
man  who  doesn't  believe  that  he  is  dead. 


ill 

Three  proofs  that  the  Creator  is  a 
humorist:  democracy,  hay  fever,  any  fat 
woman. 

§19 

University:  a  place  for  elevating  sons 
above  the  social  rank  of  their  fathers.  In 
the  American  universities  men  are  ranked 
as  follows:  i.  Seducers;  2.  Fullbacks; 
3.  Boozers;  4.  Pitchers  and  catchers;  5. 
Mandolin  players;  6.  Poker  players;  7. 
Scholars;  8.  Christians. 


§20 

A  man's  belief  in  his  soul  is  in  direct 
ratio  to  his  inability  to  digest  proteids. 

§21 

How  little  it  takes  to  make  life  per 
fect!  A  good  sauce,  a  cocktail  after  a 
hard  day,  a  girl  who  kisses  with  her 
mouth  half  open  I 

§22 

Y.  M  .  C.  A.  :  a  cheap  boarding  house 
for  thrifty  and  agnostic  Jews. 


Literature,  in  America,  is  life  in  a  flour 
barrel. 

§24 

Christian  Science  and  the  coroner:  the 
initiative  and  referendum. 


A  clergyman  is  one  employed  by  the 
wicked  to  prove  to  them  by  his  example 
that  virtue  doesn't  pay, 


§26 

The  Puritan  is  one  who  uses  the  Cross 
as  a  hammer  to  knock  in  the  heads  of 
sinners. 

§27 

The  agents  of  argumentation  under  a 
free  democracy,  in  the  order  of  their  po 
tency:  whiskey,  beer,  cigars,  tears. 


§28 

Vanity  is  at  the  bottom  of  a  good  deal 
of  morality.  A  moral  man  is  one  who 
likes  to  be  thought  capable  of  doing  things 
that  no  man  could  actually  do. 


Marriage:  an  unresolved  dissonance. 
Divorce:  the  return  to  the  tonic, 

§30 

fA  man  of  self-respect  is  one  who  still 
believes  that  nobody  suspects  him. 


We  brought  you  the  truth  heretofore, 
but  the  greater  part  of  you  abhorred  the 
truth.— The  Koran,  XLIIL 


Si 

•* 

What  a  world,  alas,  it  is!    So  many 
drinking!  and  so  little  in  a  keg  I 


A  great  nation  is  any  mob  of  people 
which  produces  at  least  one  honest  man 
a  century. 

§3 

Since  Shakespeare's  day  more  than  a 
thousand  different  actors  have  played 
Hamlet  No  wonder  he  is  crazy  I 


Hell;  i  place  where  the  Ten  Com* 
maiuiiucnts  have  a  police  force  behind 
them* 


60 


A  celebrity  is  one  who  is  known  to 
many  persons  he  is  glad  he  doesn't  know. 


§6 

It  is  not  thctdrinkcr,  but  the  man  who 
has  just  stopped  drinking,  who  thinks  the 
world  is  going  to  the  dogs. 


Remorse:  regret  that  one  waited  10 
long  to  do  it. 


A  poet  is  usually  a  bad  critic  of  his 
own  work.  And  a  critic  is  often  even 
worsb. 

§9 

The  father  of  liars  took  the  first  shower* 
bath, 


S«o 

The  chief  knowledge  that  a  man  gets 
from  reading  books  is  the  knowledge  that 
very  few  of  them  are  worth  reading* 


§tt 

Suicide:  a  belated  acquiescence  in  the 
opinion  of  one's  wife's  relatives. 


§12 

Socialism  is  the  theory  that  the  desire 
Of  one  man  to  get  something  he  hasn't  got 
Is  more  pleasing  to  a  just  God  than  the 
desire  of  some  other  man  to  keep  what 
he  has  got. 

§13 

A  moralist  is  oae  who  is  a  good  deal 
less  moral  than  he  would  have  you  be* 
lieve,  And  an  immoralist  is  one  who  is 
i  good  deal  more  moral 


S'4 

A  cynic  is  one  who  has  learned  to  read 
the  secret  cost  marks  on  the  world's  price 
tags. 

§15 

To  have  a  wooden  head  is  much  less 
a  misfortune  to  an  actor  than  to  have  a 
wooden  leg. 

§16 

To  be  found  out:  to  escape  from  sus 
picion. 

§17 

Biographer:  an  unjust  god. 


M 

Psychotherapy  is  the  theory  that  tKe 
patient  will  probably  get  well  anyhow, 
aud  is  certainly  a  damned  fool. 


What  alcohol  is  to  men,  tears  are  to 
women.  In  each  there  is  sanctuary  from 
the  duel  of  sex. 

§20 

There  is  only  one  justification  for  hav 
ing  sinned,  and  that  is  to  be  glad  of  it 


§2* 

Sunday-school:  the  first  refuge  of 
scoundrels. 

§22 

The  objection  to  Puritans  is  not  that 
they  try  to  make  us  think  as  they  do,  but 
that  they  try  to  make  us  do  as  they  think. 


§23 

It  is  a  sin  to  believe  evil  of  others,  but 
it  is  seldom  a  mistake. 


The  doctrine  of  reincarnation  runs 
aground  on  the  puzzle  as  to  what  most 
men  did  in  the  last  life  to  deserve  being 
what  they  arc  in  this  one. 


§25 

Democracy  is  the  theory  that  two 
thieves  will  steal  less  than  one,  and  three 
less  than  two,  and  four  less  than  three, 
and  so  on  ad  infinitum. 


§26 

Tis  more  blessed  to  give  than  receive. 
For  example,  wedding  presents. 


§27 

How  the  whole  course  of  history  would 
have  been  changed  if  Mrs.  Nlary  O. 
Eddy  had  been  baptized  Birdie! 


The  one  unanswerable  objection  to 
Christianity  is  that  the  God  it  asks  us  to 
worship,  if  the  descriptions  of  its  official 
spokesman  are  to  be  believed,  is  a  vastly 
less  venerable  personage  than  Ludwig 
van  Beethoven, 

§29 

The  objection  to  a  scandal-monger  is 
not  that  she  tells  of  racy  doings,  but  thftt 
she  pretends  to  be  indignant  about  them. 


§30 

Firmness  in  decision  is  often  merely  a 
form  of  stupidity.  It  indicates  an  ina 
bility  to  think  the  same  thing  out  twice. 


§3« 

Faith:  a  mellow  and  caressing  ecstasy, 
a  benign  and  uplifting  boozlness. 


so 


The  trouble  with  the  hymeneal  knot  Is 
that  it  is  often  tied  too  tightly.  Many  a 
husband  reminds  one  of  a  16  neck  in  a 
15^4  collar. 

§33 

A  tombstone  is  an  ugly  reminder  of 
one  who  has  been  forgotten. 

§34         . 

An  altruist  is  tine  who  would  be  sin 
cerely  sorry  to  sec  his  neighbor's  children 
devoured  by  wolves. 

§35 

In  the  year  1830  the  average  American 
had  six  children  and  one  wife.  How 
time  changes  all  things! 

§36 

If  the  plain  people  had  heads  of  ivory 
it  wouldn't  be  so  bad.  But  celluloid  I 


VI 

The  women,  woven,  built  and  kneaded  up 

Of  hydrogen,  of  azote,  oxygen, 

Of  carbon,  phosphorus,  chlorine,  sulphur, 

iron, 

Of  calcium,  kalium,  natrum,  maganesc. 
— Jo /in  DavtJmn. 


§1 

A  man  always  blames  the  woman  who 
fools  him.  In  the  same  way  he  blames 
the  door  he  walks  into  in  the  dark. 

§2 

On  one  issue,  at  least,  men  and  women 
agree:  they  both  distrust  women. 

I      :-:  '        §3     fit '  '. 

A  really  good  husband  is  almost  un 
known.  What  women  mistake  for  a  good 
one  is  usually  only  a  careful  one. 


a* 

When  women  kiss  it  always  reminds 
ic  of  prize-fighters  shaking  hands. 

•  A 


one 

59 


lilt  —  — 

§5 

There  are  two  times  in  every  man's 
life  when  he  is  thoroughly  happy;  lust 
after  he  has  met  his  first  love  and  just 
after  he  has  parted  from  his  last  one. 


§6 

Man's  objection  to  love  is  that  it  dies 
hard;  woman1!  is  that  when  it  is  once 
dead  it  stays  dead. 

§7 

The  sort  of  man  a  woman  remembers 
longest  is  the  sort  that  it  would  be  better 
not  to  remember  at  all. 


Without  a  doubt  there  are  women  who 
would  vote  intelligently.  There  are  also 
men  who  knit  socks  beautifully. 


===  «" 

•gn  •'••••  '•        S9 

Definition  of  a  good  mother:  one  who 
loves  her  child  as  much  as  a  little  girl 
loves  her  doll. 

§10 

Love  begins  like  a  triolet  and  ends  like 
a  college  yell. 

§n 

Bachelors  know  marc  about  women 
than  married  men,  If  they  didn't  they'd 
be  married  too. 


No  matter  how  long  he  lives,  no  man 
ever  becomes  as  wise  as  the  average 
woman  of  forty-eight. 

§13 

A  gentleman  is  one  who  never  strikes 
i  woman  without  provocation. 


§14 

Man  is  a  natural  polygamist  He  al 
ways  has  one  woman  leading  him  by  the 
nose  and  another  hanging  on  to  his  coat- 
tails. 


All  women,  soon  or  late,  arc  jealous  of 
their  daughters;  all  men,  soon  or  late,  are 
envious  of  their  sons. 


§16 

!A  transvaluatidn  of  all  values  is  now 
in  progress.  No  doubt  the  future  will  see 
men  of  questionable  repute  and  women 
who  neither  drink  nor  smoke. 


§17 

Women's  tears  are  the  most  preciou$ 
things  in  the  world.  They  always  cost 
some  man  or  other  at  least  $2  apiece. 


63 


Jealousy  ii  the  theory  that  some  other 
fellow  has  just  as  little  taste. 


§19 

The  man  who  marries  for  love  alone 
is  at  least  honest.    But  so  was  Czolgosz. 


Bachelors  have  consciences,    Married 
men  have  wives. 

§21 

Marriage:  the  end  of  hope. 


Fashions  may  come  and  fashions  may 
go,  but  the  best  bait,  after  all,  is  still  * 
bit 


it  of  lace  about  the  neck. 


§*, 

A  woman  always  knows  that  a  man  is 
in  love  with  her  long  before  he  knows  it 
himself.  And  even  when  she  doesn't 
know  it}  she  often  assumes  it. 


§24 

There  was  a  woman  once  who  was  sat 
isfied  with  her  husband,  her  dress  allow 
ance  and  her  complexion.  Her  name  has 
not  been  preserved.  She  died  before 
writing  was  invented. 


§25 

When  a  husband's  story  is  believed,  he 
begins  to  suspect  his  wife. 


§26 

Woman  is  at  once  the  serpent,  the  ap 
ple — and  the  stomach-ache. 


ft* — 

5*7 

Optimist:  the  sort  of  man  who  marries 
his  sister's  best  friend. 


§28 

If  there  were  only  three  women  left 
in  the  world,  two  of  them  would  imme 
diately  convene  a  court-martial  to  try  the 
other  one. 

§29 

Alimony  is  the  ransom  that  the  happy 
pay  to  the  devil. 

§30 

History  seems  to  bear  very  harshly 
upon  women.  One  cannot  recall  more 
than  three  famous  women  who  were  vir 
tuous.  But  on  turning  to  famous  men  the 
seeming  injustice  disappears.  One  would 
have  difficulty  finding,  even  two  of  them 
who  were  virtuous. 


Husbands  never  become  good;   they 
merely  become  proficient. 


The  devil:  a  man  with  a  woman's  soul. 

§33 

Sign  to  hang  outside  the  parlor  door 
after  the  engagement  has  been  an 
nounced:  Don't  stop!  Don't  look! 
Don't  listen! 

§34 
Widower:  one  released  on  parole. 

§3S 

A  \ycdding  is  a  device  for  exciting  jeal 
ousy  in  women  and  terror  in  men. 


67 — — 

§36 

Strike  an  average  between  what  t 
woman  thinks  of  her  husband  a  month 
before  she  marries  him  and  what  she 
thinks  of  him  a  year  afterward,  and  you 
will  have  the  truth  about  him  in  a  very 
handy  form. 

§37 

The  worst  of  marriage  is  that  it  makes 
a  woman  believe  that  all  men  are  just  as 
easy  to  fool. 

§38 

Possession  is  nine  points  of  the  law. 
This  is  the  only  reason  why  so  many  men 
keep  their  wives. 

§39 

Cleverness  in  a  woman  means  any 
mental  state  superior  to  downright  imbe 
cility.  A  clever  woman  is  simply  one 
who  seems  almost  like  a  man. 


—  ftg 
§40 

The  great  secret  of  happiness  in  love 
is  to  be  glad  the  other  fellow  married  hen 


A  misogynist  is  a  man  who  hates  women 
as  much  as  women  hate  one  another. 


§4* 

If  hammocks  could  talk  no  one  would 
care  to  listen  to  church  pews. 


§43 

Suicide  and   marriage:  the  supreme 
acts  of  cynicism. 

§44 

A  man  may  be  a  fool  and  not  know  it — 
but  not  if  he  is  married. 


60 


All  men  are  proud  of  their  own  chil 
dren.  Some  men  carry  egoism  so  far  that 
they  are  even  proud  of  their  own  wives. 


§46 

Intelligence  lasts  a  woman  much 
longer  than  beauty.  But  it  is  a  good  deal 
less  useful  while  it  lasts. 


VII 

.  .  .  well  Vewchicdcnheit  del  Nichtt 

mehr  ergdtzt  ah  Einerlciheit  dcs  Ktwas. 

—Johann  Paul  FrieJrich  Richler. 


The  great  difficulty  about  keeping  the 
Ten  Commandments  is  that  no  man  can 
keep  them  and  be  a  gentleman. 


It 

When  a  man  is  old  enough  to  be  sinful 
discreetly  he  is  usually  too  old  to  be  sin 
ful  at  all. 

83 

Pu  nun  Urn  i  an  attempt  to  bleach  the 
red  corpuscles, 

§4 

The  moment  everyone  begins  to  believe 
a  thing,  it  ceases  to  be  true.  For  exam 
ple,  the  notion  that  the  homeliest  girl  in 
the  party  is  the  safest 

73 


Ss 

In  the  main,  there  arc  two  sorts  of 
books:  those  that  no  one  reads  and  .those 
that  no  one  ought  to  read. 


A  bachelor  is  one  who  has  learned  the 
lesson  of  his  brother's  punishment 


§7 

The  object  of  all  religion  is  to  teach 
man  what  he  ought  to  do.  The  object  of 
all  knowledge  is  to  show  him  how  to  do 
it  The  object  of  all  art  is  to  make  him 
glad  he  is  not  doing  it 


There  are  always  two  sound  objections 
to  a  fat  woman.  One  is  that  she  is  fat 
and  the  other  is  that  she  is  sentimental* 


Women  have  a  gopd  deal  more  sober 
sense  than  men.  But  men  would  be  just 
as  sensible  if  there  were  no  women. 


§10 

The  agents  of  human  happiness  in  the 
order  of  their  potency:  a  good  bank  ac 
count,  a  negative  Wassermann,  a  clear 
conscience* 


Theology  is  an  effort  to  explain  the  un 
knowable  by  putting  it  into  terms  of  the 
not  worth  knowing. 


A  church  is  a  place  in  which  gentle* 
men  who  have  never  been  to  Heaven  brag 
about  it  to  persons  who  will  never  get 
there. 


7ft- 

§13 

No  matter  how  happily  a  woman  is 
married,  she  always  hopes  that  her 
daughter  will  grab  a  better  one. 


§14 

At  the  bottom  of  Puritanism  one  finds 
envy  of  the  fellow  who  is  having  a  bet 
ter  time  in  the  world,  and  hence  hatred 
of  him.  At  the  bottom  of  democracy  one 
finds  the  same  thing.  This  is  why  all 
Puritans  are  democrats  and  all  democrats 
are  Puritans. 

••§15 

It  is  better  to  have  a  conscience  than 
to  be  run  over  by  a  locomotive. 


§16 

Happiness  is  the  china  shop:  love  is 
the  bull. 


Pediculocracy,  or  government  by  ver 
min.  .  .  .  Lohengrinophobia,  or  the  fear 
of  marriage.  .  .  . 


Ah,  the  divine  persistence  of  beautyl 
.  .  .Once  I  enjoyed  the  great  Christian 
diversion  of  seeing  a  man  hanged.  As 
he  plunged  through  the  trap  and  came  up* 
with  that  last,  abominable  jerk,  the  taut 
hemp  sounded  a  soft,  sonorous  CCC. 


§19 

Wife:  one  who  is  sorry  she  did  it,  but 
would  undoubtedly  do  it  again. 


§20 

When  you  sympathize  with  a  married 
woman  you  make  two  enemies— or  gain 
one  wife  and  one  friend. 


An  historian  is  an  unsuccessful  novelist. 


§22 

The  vice  crusade:  an  effort  to  fill  up 
the  ocean  by  throwing  sailors  overboard, 


§23 

Surgeon  :  one  who  takes  the  blame  for 
the  family  doctor's  error  in  diagnosis. 


§24 

Women  do  not  like  timid  men.    Cats 
do  not  like  prudent  rats. 


§25 

He  marries  best  who  puts  it  off  until 
it  is  too  late. 


A  bachelor  is  one  who  wants  a  wife  but 
is  glad  that  he  hasn't  got  hen 

§27 

Eugenics:  the  theory  that  marriages 
should  be  made  in  the  laboratory;  the 
Wassermann  test  for  love. 


§28 

Women  usually  enjoy  annoying  their 
husbands,  but  not  when  they  annoy  them 
by  growing  fat 


THB  END 


OTHER  BOOKS  BY  H.  L.  MENCKEN 


A  BOOK  OF  BURLESQUES 

Cloth,  i2mo.    AV/,  #/,;?5 

A  collection  of  satires  and  extravaganzas, 
chiefly  with  American  Philistinism  fok  their 
target.  The  lunik  Mimesis  the  burlesques 
of  Max  lUviluduu  anil  Stephen  Leacock, 
yet  la  quite  unlike  them. 

IN  PREPARATION 

A  BOOK  OF  PREFACES 

AY/,  $i>4$ 


A  neilcw  of  eljilu  jHvftuo^  HVM  \\c\vluU  in  \\w 
Shaw  n\,u\nn,  \\\  \\w  \\\\\l*  of  vaiiouM 
uuthoo,  i\\\\\  to  tlu>  .ttiuly  of  certain  liter* 
ury  tendencies  The  luntk  brings  a  fresh 
point  of  view  to  the  study  of  living  litera 
ture,  and  is  wholly  free  from  the  usual 
academic  predispositions, 


JOHN  LANE  CO!S'nANY 


H         3  -i 


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